xiaojoel stories

2008-01-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

Yeah, this right here goes out to everyone
that has lost someone or that
truly loved....
Check it out....

Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show
I laced the track, you locked the flow
So far from hangin' on the block for dough
Notorius they got to know that
Life ain't always what it seem to be
Words can't express what you mean to me!
Even though you're gone we still a team
Thru your family I'll fulfill your dreams
In the future can't wait to see if you'll
Open up the gates for me
Reminisce sometime the night they took my friend
Try to black it out, but it plays again
When it's real feelings hard to conceal
Can't imagine all the pain I feel
Give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still livin' your life after death

Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day
Everytime I pray
I'll be missing you
Thinking of the day
When you went away
What a life to take
What a bond to break
I'll be missing you

It's kinda hard wit you not around
Know you in Heaven smilin' down
Watching us while we pray for you
Everyday we pray for you
Till the day we meet again
In my heart is where I keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts, Big, I just can't define
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us and the six shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me takin' flics
Makin' hits, stages they receive you on
Still can't believe you're gone
Give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still livin' your life after death

Somebody tell me why...
One black morning
When this life is over
I know, I'll see your face
Every night I pray
Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day
Every night I pray
Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day
Every night I pray
Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day
Every night I pray
Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day

Every night I pray
Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day

We miss you....

If there was one day that i could retain in the year 2007, would be October 25th. i wish i could have stayed on longer and spend the last remaining months with you. I never knew that God would take you away that soon. Its so sad.... its so fast... and now it has been so long... i still can't believe that you are gone...i'm still in shock... and sometimes i still think that you are here with us still... i really regret so much...i really do...i regret so much... you have really touched my life with your love towards me...taking care of me during my last 2 years....i love you... i really miss you...

its so sad God... its really so sad... i seem to find it so hard to stand up again since i came back from canada... what is this feeling? it feels so empty... so hollow... so indescribable.. it's hard pretending everything is fine...

welcome 2008

2007-09-05T05:13:00.001-07:00

I've learned that good-byes will always hurt;
pictures will never replace having been there;
memories, good or bad, will bring tears;
and words can never replace feelings

2007-06-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

my birthday on 06061990!! (best class ever!!)

fuck... i was suppose to blog everyday since last month.. but i have been soooo busy that i dont even have enough time to sleep!! so what can i say...?? i finished alll my studies today!! school is over! exams are over!! i managed to catch up in time for everything!! and i'll be home in 4 days for good!! what could be better then that??????? i have to say this past one month has been really stressful for me! and to any canadians from alberta out there... NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER take english by correspondence!!! it is the dumbest and the gayest shit you could ever do!!!! all i learn from that course was to write 50 over essays and read a shakespear book plus another dumb book and one bunch of useless shit which ends up leaving with with sooooo much white hair...

fuck.. now i need to dye my hair!

well...at least im happy i managed to rush a year's course in almost one month and stilll do pretty well in it. i would say that this year would be the first year i have felt i accomplished something for myself. and this is a feeling i have never felt before... or maybe haven felt in a long time......the feeling of accomplishment... =) im proud of myself for the first time!

oh rightt.... another important event that happened this month was june the 6!! lol... yes... it was my birthday.. well... as i was sooo busy this month, i didnt even have time to celebrate it or really plan anything! all i had was a dinner cause i couldnt afford to waste any time not studying.... but the one and only thing that really changed this sucky birthday around was my esl classmates =) they really celebrated my birthday by bringing a cake to school, and food, and presents.....and they even sang a song! lol... im even so touched as i think abboutt it now!!! i'll reallly miss them when i go =(

2007-05-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

this week i only have 3 days of school cause since last friday i had a long weekend all the way till monday and i will have another holiday this friday. and that will be the last holiday for this year... wow... this whole year is going to come to and end soon with only about 3 weeks of school left. i am really excited!! cause that also means i will be back soon =)

saying that... today the vice principal said that i will be kicked out of school next year... meaning that i cant come back to this school even if i wanted to next year since i failed to keep to my side of the probation which is to not have any absences... in a way i'm like...why the fuck would i come back? and another side i'm like fuck.. my parents are gonna fucking flip out once they find out i'm kicked out from the school next year since they are still holding that little bit of hope that i will come back to canada.

anyways, i have already told my guardian not to tell my parents yet cause right now i have so much homework and preparation to do for my final year to try and get good grades to get into the school in singapore so it would be kind of pointless for my parents to know this and give me hell and add on to my 'stress'. well... if i can get into the school in singapore , why the fuck would it matter if i cant come back to this dumbass school i am in now... but at the same time.. what if i cant? i swear i have to do well for my exams if i even stil care about my future..

so one important lesson i am learning right now is that nothing comes in for free... we have to always work hard for whatever we want in life. lol.. what my papa told me when i was a kid is indeed true.

anyways, few more days to my birthday... its wierd how i'm not like i cant wait for it to come....maybe my excitment would only come when i'm waiting till i turn 18. lol

2007-05-20T01:35:00.000-07:00

well, it has been a really long while since i've blogged....well... i'm back in canada, and supposedly this time i should be going back in june 25th for good! well, at least i hope.... everytime when i say i'm going to go back for good somehow something happens and i just have to get back here again... hopefully this time everything will go according as plan and there would be no troubles with getting into the canadian international school in singapore.

well.. anyways, its soon going to be may 25th and i really wanna write down everything that happens here for the last one month i have till june. i've said this many times,but it has really been a long journey for me.... its amazing how God above has allowed me to stay here for 2 years!!!!The thought of it all coming to an end brings a bittersweet smile to my face.....it marks an end of a journey in Canada and a new start to life in singapore after 2 years....and how much i look forward to that =)

2006-12-11T22:42:00.000-08:00

i'm so bored now... just came back home.. I think that I have already done my part in letting go of unnecessary baggage , be it emotions or friends, but I am happy now i'm going back to Singapore SOON!!!! LIKE FUCKING SOON!!!! cant wait to hang out with my brooosss . I guess I can only take it as lesson learnt.hahaha.... WELL today damn funni lah, my cousin told me to check out some what project superstar page, then got one guy who is caled nat. then ppl said my cousin looks like nat.-.- then I saw it and iw as like “ wtf you’re much more better looking then him” and i say he looks like edison chen and he is like so damn fuckin happy! i'm like wtf? lol..so old alreadi still cannot tel i'm joking! hahahahhahaha kiddin kiddin! (dont kil me chris)

my cousin is damn funny. But seriously he better looking than a lot of people but duno why stil got no gf! haixxxx. =)

2006-11-28T23:52:00.000-08:00

when i think abt what happened before...sometimes i jus feel so hurt and betrayed.. i treated u all as if u were reali my family and whenever somethng happened u all know that i wil always be there and ive always been helping u all when u all get into shit. have u all forgotten?

___ when u get into trouble while i was in cannda have i not helped you? even to the extend i didnt mind fighting wif my gf? even before that a few years ago have i not been there for you? dont tel me u cannot fuckin remmeber....when u lied to me abt a fight and i didnt even mind comming al the way down from so far by myself even tho i know i might jus get beat up there, but all i thought was to make sure all 3 of u all are safe....

___ do u remember last year when everyone was againsit you and i was the only one who
stood up for you? u remember u had a bad break up and i still called u all the way from canada? i ddint mind going againist the rest even tho i knew i might lose some friends.

___ you are the worst....u treat me like a dog making me do this and that but yet ive always done it when u are never grateful at all and ure always being so fuckin unreasonable but yet i stil always give in to you.

i guess non of u were ever grateful... u think u all treat me as a fren? the only things u all wil do for me is when u all dont have to make a sacrifice at all...not even a small sacrifice, or else u all wuldnt help. i wil always remember what happened when i needed u all in july and non of u helped. and what hurts the most was when ppl whom i dont even talk to helped and its not that they were very very well off themselves... but u all jus never even gave a helping hand at all.... u guys jus treat me as a tower of refuge when u guys get into trouble cause u know i have friends and i can back u up... now.. this is it.... i wil jus pretend nothng has ever happened but always remember that there wil never be another time when u all need me i wil be there for u all again especially if i have a sacrifice any bit. because i can honestly say i dont lose anythng losing u all as 'friends'....

2006-11-15T20:45:00.000-08:00

hmm..its been a month since i have blogg leaving me with jus one more month left to go in cannda... it has reali been one long journey for me this year.... sometimes i reali wonder what God is doing to me..why isssit that everytime before i go back to singapore i always have a girlfriend or sometimes even before i come back to cannda.... like its a prank he is playing on me to make me feel so guilty that i am leaving them behind to somewhere far away. why is life onli getting better jus when i have the option to choose where to go? life sure is one mystery..haha. but anyways im so glad to be able to come back to singapore and i wil be back on the 18 of decemeber which is basically almost a month left down here.... so i reali wonder what is life gona be like in singapore..hmmm..one thing for sure i know is that there wil be some friends that i am prepared to lose and not do anythng for again cause when i was soo down and needed help they were not there....not there at all whereas in the past i was there for them and helped them so many times to get out of shit. dang i'm stupid to have treated them so well... haha. anyways one month later i wil blog again and it wil be the countdown to my return to singapore!! yayyyy! hehe =)

2006-10-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

yupp...its been awhile since ive been blogging and now the sad and emo times are gonee!! haha.. ALLLL GONEEE!!!!! i feel my life now is more or less without much problems noww! hehe... cause I WIL BE BACK IN DECEMBERR!!!!! i think my flight back is on the 16 of december so if it is 16 i wil be back on the 17 december night time around 11 plus like datt!!! hehehhehe..and the best thing abt this is that!! its FUCKIN FOREVER!!! HAHAHHAAHHA! no more having to run away from the plane 2 timesss!! no more having to be trying to sneak backk!! no more having to have shouting matches wif my parents abt this!! no more having to be missing my singapore friendsss!! no more having to wake up early in the morning or stay up late at night to chat on msn or make a long distance call!!!!! and no more facing break ups cause of long distance!!!! hahhahaha!! fuck shit mann i sure am so happyy!! wow.thinking back this is actually the longest time ive been seperated from singapore! the longest was like august til december last year!! this one is like april till december!! sure has been one long long long long fuckin journey man...and its like amasing that when i left to cannda mid year hasnt even started and now almost everyone is like partying cause almost all exams are done except o levels! so counting down from today its almost exactly 2 months noww!! well.....in jus a blink of an eye as fast as how this year passed, 2 months will jus soon pass too!! cant wait to see u all in singapore man!! cause now its confirm wiff the approval of my parents alreadi!! lol!!!!

cya all in decemberrrr!!! <<333333

2006-09-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

so its been awhile since ive been blogging... well..maybe because these pass while ive been having so much problems and have been majorly depressed.... anyways tomorrow for me is back to school... after a long war with my parents dey finally gave up on me and allow me back during december forever and i jus have to go back to school til december cause the school fees has alreadi been paid. i watched i not stupid too again today..downloaded the movie and when i watch this movie i reali felt like crying especially the part when the boy said 'our house on the ouside it seems like we have every single thing..but actualy in the inside we dont have anythng at all' it was so sad cause i feel that its so true in my family....
yea..i know..sounds wierd that its comming from me as it always seem as though i don give a fuck about my parents but the truth is that i reali do...but sometimes its hard having to obey such a huge decision since i dont reali enjoy it and also because we never reali had a relationship since young...

i reali wonder what is the real meaning to life..who are we living our lives for?what are we living our lives for? why are we living our lives...? i never reali seem to get an answer from these questions... i feel that life is jus a painful journey full of hardships and sadness.... i gues thats also because i have nv reali experienced true happiness without having any regrets after....
i see some major obsticales that i have to face after this coming december...sighs, im neither happy nor sad, all i want now is jus to get through this bittersweet life that God gave to me...

2006-09-07T00:46:00.000-07:00

school started for me last thurs....i started a qurrael not going to school already... getting reali upset wif the things happening around me, i wish dey culd jus give in to avoid whatever that is goin to come after....its tiring doing it again and again..dont they want this to end? den why continue forcing cause it wil onli make things worst...? sighs...my brain has come to a stop and there seems no way out of this anymore...

i wonder if tomorrow never comes....wuld me frens/bros know how much i love dem? would my cousins know how much i care for them? would my brother in australia despite having not seen him in so long know how much i miss him? and lastly would my parents that i have been qurraeling wif all the time realise that i actualy do think abt them and dont hate them as much as they think i do? im tired of the same problems coming agin and again and again...why cant they jus not force it anymore? if tomorrow never comes....i want all my friends,cousins,brother n parents to know that i do love them....

im tired of faking it alreadi

my last and final plan....

2006-08-22T00:26:00.000-07:00

haix...damn sian of blogging...everyday is reali the same....nothn new nothn interetsting... but last saturday for the 2nd time was pretty fun....went for a house party and drink and all...not bad la considering ive stayed here for more den a year and onli experiencing this twice -.- better den nothn i guess..haha

anyways school is starting next thursday.....sighs... u have no idea how much it sucks to be going back to the same school u hated and tried to run away from for one more year.....every early morning wake up jus to go to the place where u hate the most...imagine hating and suffering in this shit place is bad enuff...imagine wad makes it worst u have to even go to a worst shit school everday!! the thot of it makes me cant breath and go so angry and so mad!!!how could my fuckin parents do this....i tried so many times to compromise wif dem and this is wad they say

go states visit my cousin---no
go toronto visit relatives--no
take a plane to states renew my visa-- no ( and they want my fuckin guardian to drive me there
for like duno how many fuckin hours!! CCB!!!!!)
go back to singapore for 1 month holiday in exchange for a year--no
wana change school cause i hate this fuckin school-- no

of cos dey gave their fuckin useless reasons that makes no god damn sense at all...like no money ar.. bla bla bla... no money stil pay 21k for me suffer here another year...fucking assholess...
and on top of that i knew abt some stuff happening in cannda abt dem and those motherfuckers accomplicess!!

sighs....God, u got to help me out....
im jus fighting for my own survival from the these people that think they know whats best for me.....these ppl are not helpin me but forcing me to end my life....

2006-08-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

2 days ago was the day that ive been in canada for exactly one year....8th of august, the day i wil never forget in my life....it was the day that i walked away and left everyone to canada...

i remember the day before i left to canada i was home and jeremy came over and slept over in my house.... we were awake all night listening to music and having our last chat before i left....then i talked to natalie over the phone for awhile. that night many people called me to say goodbye cause they couldnt send me off to the airport....me and jerm spend the whole night chatting and smoking and at about 5am, me and jeremy left to pick up connie and we went to newton mrt to see leo...at newton mrt we took pictures and we manage to persuade lcm to allow leo to come to the airport...at about 7am there were more students and seeing dem going to school realli reminded me of the times i was in barker going to school wearing that same uniform...

then we seperated for awhile as i had to meet up with one of my very gd fren....it was so sad cause she has always been there for me in all faces of my life but im glad i was able to see her one last time before i left....after saying my final goodbye to her i left in the cab off to the airport...

in the airport there were many people... all my bros and frens were there..we took some pictures together and talk crap for awhile and spend our last times together... at abt 9.30 is the time i had to leave....we went to the departure gate and i gave all my frens one last hug...it was so sad that as i was hugging them one last time.. flashbacks of memories jus keep coming to my head....as i looked at everyone i had jus a special memory wif them and it seems like my mind brought me back to the past with them... i suddenli started crying so hard cause i know i wont be seeing them all for awhile...that moment and that feeling i will never forget casue it was the first time i have left my best frens and bros whom have always been there for me....
As i checked in.....i turned back and looked one last time at every single one of them...and i walked away....

its amasing that all that happened a year ago....how much have happened in between and how much things have changed... but sometimes it stil feels as if it jus happened yesterday as the memories still seems so clear in my head... its saddening sometimes when i think abt it that the same frens that were so close to me before i left and ive helped before are no longer close to me anymore....everythng reali reveals over time and i guess since the day i left i alreadi expected to lose some close frens.... but at least im grateful that through all these at least i stil have a couple of gd frens that have stuck wif me all the way till now... =)

one year ago i was in singapore...a year later im in canada...i wonder the following year on the 8 of august where would i be? how much would things would have changed? which frens would i lose and which frens would i gain? i guess that's somthing for God to decide and for time to reveal...

holy crap..this sure is one long crazy post! hahaha

2006-08-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

life in canada is so boring that i feel theres reali no need to blog abt life here as its jus the same as the old posts...its basically home every single motherfucking day! went over to my uncle hse to slp cause my guardians whole family is goin out of town...and now that im in my uncle's hse my 2 cousins are in singapore and my aunt and uncle are out of town too and im the onli one home now... same as yesterday..... haix... this is basically my life in canada.... nv have i been able to sit for hours or sometimes even a day not talkin at all... all i do when no one is online is jus listen to music and jus daydream....wad makes it worst is that im fuckin out of cigarrettes! when im boredd and alone i get so damn fuckin pissed when i dont have ciggerettes...wad the fuck am i goin to do den? cb... onli smoke 3 ciggs ytd and today im out! fuck la...

all that burns in my heart now is this huge hatred for them...i wil not have the slightest compassion for them...

what goes around comes around....

2006-08-04T05:10:00.000-07:00

i feel stuck in a world all alone.....no one understands my pain and im going through it all alone.if there was someone that i wish could understand me fully now would be my parents...but they never do.. and will never will...

they nv reali cared in a way they shuld nor thought in the way they should....they are saving themselves but letting me drown...i'm jus fighting for myself from the misery they thought was good for me.....

i wish that everythng will go smoothly...don't let me be lost..be lost in a world all by myself.....

2006-08-02T23:12:00.000-07:00

samantha (: YAYYYYY says:
OH AND JOEL. I KNOW YOU ARE VERY HANDSOME AND LOOK LIKE EDISON CHEN, I ALSO KNOW THAT YOU ARE VERY MUSCULAR AND KIND AND EVERYTYHING NICE. PEOPLE LOVE YOU.

samantha (: YAYYYYY says:
EVEN THOUGH U MAY BE FAT AND ALL BUT REALLY U STILL LOOK LIKE EDISON, I MENA EDISON LOOK LIKE U

imm so gladd that before samantha turned 16 she has finally said somethn so true and meaningful in her life! i guess that was the most honest thing she has ever said so far! im so happpy for u samm!! u've changed to be a honest and pleasant girl on your 16 birthday! HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA! anyways, happpy sweeet 16 samy!

well, today has been a usual boring like hell day as usual...slept at 4am den wake up at abt 8 den talk on msn and all till about 10am plus? den went back to slp and woke up at 7pm plus den use the computer! life like this can reali make a person so damn fuckin depressed..sigh..jus now my dad called me and all..before he even started to say the topic i alreadi predicted wad he wanted to say...cause he is in indonesia i didnt blast off at him...when he gets back and call me he is gona get it! ive reached the stage wif my parents that i dont even wana hear their voice anymore and i am more den willing any moment to break off all connections wif dem alreadi...especially my fuckin mother! how am i gona stay in cannda wif this fucker parents and all these accomplices motherfuckers backstabbers!! pisses me off so bad...

2006-07-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

im VERYYYYYY happyy cause samy the major fatty told me to blogg saying im happy! =/ haha!! u stayy happy too majorr fatty sammyy!!!!

2006-07-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

today my cousins left to singapoe alreadi...sian! reali wish i can get the fuck back faster soon!! my father say wil email me 3 days ago but until now haven even send one fuckin email! was a sian day today as well.. slept at abt 7am and woke up at 7pm... nothn to do at all in calgary!! sibei sian!

anyway todays post is for my cousin chriss! after completing 3 years in cannda and achieving gd results his finally off to university! wow...thinking back 3 years ago til now has reali been one long journey and im glad he has achieved his goals! if there was one thing i wuld wana learn from my cousin chris is how focused he is when he is doin smthng! his perserverance and determination to finish the race reali impresses me so much! anyway i wish him alll the best in everythng he does and his amazing results in completing this 3 years... hope he finish up well in the last part of his study years in university and get a gd job when he's done! remember if nxt time i grow up and is broke still need u to tc of me k? haha! =p

heres the post abt u! u better be happy! congragulations asshole! =)

2006-07-28T00:24:00.000-07:00

yesterday slept at abt 9.30 am? den sleeepp til abt 8.30pm... reali so boring.. tomorrw my cousins wuld be goin to singapore alreadi for a holiday! duno when wil it be mine turn....

omg man...life here for me is reali a pile of shit! quite fuckin pissed wif my parents now particularaly my mum! reali hate her man....

2006-07-26T15:53:00.000-07:00

today i stayed over in my uncles hse....some things happened yesterday so had to talk wif my uncle for a bit. today is the same old boring day as always... slept at 7am and woke up at abt 3? cuase my cousin was watchin tv and i was slpin on the sofa at the living room den woke up me up.... but one things im so happy is i remember when i was pri 5 whic is erm 5 years ago? i watched this japanese serial show called 'virgin road' every saturday! but the thing was that i missed the last episode of the show cause that time i went to cannada for a holiday and that show played such a huge impact on me..like i cannot forget that show n i was so sad cause i didnt know what happened in the end...i remember i went to all the vcd show and ask if they stil had the show but they don have and noww after 5 years i finally know that u can download the show over the internet! HAHA.... u duno how fuckin happy i am man! lol.. i also feel nowadays my brain seems to be kind of wierd! like yesterday when i was moving my laptop and the wire stuck on my cousin feet and den i go and say 'eh move your hand' lol stil got more la but i jus cant remmeber now...

haixx.. what a sian life ...

2006-07-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

my new skinn!! thanksss to tan peii wahh and pang shi linn! haha... im so bored so anyhow post abit la! today leh i wake up go church den went for lunch at some chinse restaurant and den follow my cousin buy mp3 den come home sleep! haha....so i guess thats pretty much all for the whole of tday! was suposed to go out wif my this fren and go blazing but ended up nv...i guess i was kind of tired for that also..

DAMN FUCK! I WANA GO BACK TO SINGAPORE SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-06-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

one full year in cananda has passed... started frm last year september to end of june now. reali has been one long journey for me... sighs...now is the start of a 2 months holiday and my fuckin parents dont want me to go back.... i get so pissed of whenever i think of it. they tel me the most stupidest and dumbass reason of why im not comming back..that is that they have no money! like wtf.... how can they force me to stay in cannda and say they have no money for me to go back and den stil pay for another years of fuckin suffering for me in cannda....that is so fuckin stupid! sighs...i wish i culd argue wif dem and argue my way back but seeing the recent problems that has been happening wif the family i reali cant say anythn.... i jus realised that my student visa actualy expires on september and its so obvious that my parents are trying to be smart and make me renew it now so that it wil expire nxt year september and i wuldldnt be able to force my way back by not renewing it..... but for now ive made up my mind to not renew it yet so that there wuld stil be a open road if i wana go back to singapore or else i wuld be stuck and have no choice but to stay in cannda....

i talked to my mum on the phone recently and i reali get so fuckin pissed off with them....i swear i reali hate my fuckin parents... they have the smartest brains but the hardest hearts... they can continue talkin my brother to change if they continue their fuckin ignorant attitudes. my mum said she also dosnet wan me to go back is also because she dosent like my lifestyle that i come back 2-3 am everynight and all so thats why she wans me to stay in cannda. n that pisses me off so bad too... so if i were to cme back at 2-3 am everynight in cannda and take drugs wuld that mean they wil send me to the 3rd country? wtf is wrong wif dem man... i don do nonsnse in cannda is cause i wana be guai and i wuld be able to go back to singapore and not let it be an excuse for dem to force me to be in cannada. if i want to turn back and get into shit i don think its a damn hard thing to do..... im so fuckin pissed off thinking of the 2 fuckin months im gona be spending in cnanda...i swear i can reali kill someone now....its a fuckin saturday and im fuckin doin nothn....n thats basically how its gona be for the whole summer besides the one or two weeks that i wuld be goin for a short trip.... nvm...i jus have to ta han now and when i reali explode i wil make sure my parents get my ticket back.... all i can say is that this world is fucked up... everyone is fucked up and my parents is even fucked up.... its boils my blood when i thot back how they perusaded me in the past was by saying at least i can go back 3 times a year...n now look.... when i was in singapore someone told me that if i go back now and stay til june and stil cant get used to it den they wil talk to my parents on letting me go back permantly but look... who culd forsee all these problems...whatever ppl say is all one pile of shit, they jus wana influence me to make my parents happy, and when my parents is happy they are happy... fuck dem.. fuck my parents..fuck this world.....im not gona give a shit abt anythn anymore... i didnt know that me tryin to be gd in cannda wuld be used as smthn againset me cos it made my parents think the environment has changed me....wtf..im gona prove it all wrong at once.....

2006-06-14T16:22:00.000-07:00

i hate this shit family and world that i have.... no one understands anyone

2006-06-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

If I woke up tomorrow....

If I woke up tomorrow
And the world was upside down
If the sky was green the grass was blue
And nothing made a sound

If the sun slept through the day
And the stars fell from the sky
If the deserts became oceans
And the oceans all ran dry

If the clouds were made of stone
And the earth was made of glass
If music had no melody
And the future was the past

If the mountains turned to wax
And melted with the dawn
If flowers were all grey
And nature’s beauty gone

If I woke up tomorrow
And everything was new
Id still be sure of one thing
Sure that I LOVED you

2006-06-11T14:48:00.000-07:00

sighs...these few weeks have been reali depressing for me...especially these few days... everythn around me seems to be shattered and im like stuck in a maze where i cant seem to get out! Ther seems no solution out of it at all! whenever i find an opening to a door i see another huge maze. im tired...so tired of this fuckin world. My family is one huge reason why i'm feeling so down... i wish i can share fully the problems that is reali happening but i cant...cause that wuld be an embarrasemnt to my family and brother and cos of these few problems my father was down to high blood pressure and was sent to the hospital for a few days now....my mum is so depressed that she has lost all of her voice and she is not eating now.... sighs, i cant see myself being able to go back anymore now as i cant put any more presure on dem. FUCK! just seems so unfair why i have to be forced to stay here jus bcause of the shit that wasnt casued by me. i hope things wil be better soon...

sighs, i jus feel so overwhelmed wif the problems im having now...even wif havin to deal wif my jealous heart seeing her find someone else....fuck, forget it.... i dont have the mood to do anythn and i stil have to force myself to suck it up as my final exams are this thurs. SO MUCH problems and i jus feel so sad and lonely. no one i can reali share to... recently i got to know this dealer that speacialises in coccaine and some other drugs....how tempting issit for me to take it as i reali need jus even half an hour to forget abt everythn and be high for jus a moment. sighs, i hate this fucked up world we live in.....

2006-05-27T00:14:00.000-07:00

someone used to say a relationship is just like having a pile of sand in your hands....leave it at the palm of your hands and it stays.... grip it tight and it seeps away....
ive seen it seeped away when i gripped it tight but it has also seeped away when i hold it loosely...how tight is tight and how loose is loose? can someone tel me? i feel so stupid...so betrayed...

(edited)

2006-05-22T21:29:00.000-07:00

i remember one year ago i ever loved a girl for a ver long time almost counting to one year. During that period of time i went to cannda to study.... i remember the time when i jus got there i wuld call her every single day! sometimes i wuld jus cal her in the morning to say gd morning to her and at night i wuld cal her to chat wif her...during the first few days everything went so well...everytime i called she was so happy and she would tel me that she loves me and that reali made me reali touched. But as time passes things got worst for us..i felt that she started getting annoyed n irritated wif me that ive been calling her so often and slowely this love faded...she nv said she loves me anymore... now when all these has passed i looked bak and thought back what has gone wrong between us.... i felt that during the time i have been too sticky with her calling her so many times a day and maybe i was quite a boring person which sometimes led us to silent conversations but one main thing that i felt was that i didnt trust her at all... there was no trust at all and that made me suspect alot...i always tend to wonder if she is cheating on me and stuff like dat...so i guess this was the mistakes that ive made which caused the relationship to not work out...

this led to the second long distance relationship i had....knowing all the mistakes ive made before, i told myself nv to make the same mistakes again. This time i can say i did not call her as much as i did wif the previous girl as i didnt want her to feel bored of me..i didnt want her to feel irritated and annoyed wif me . Also seeing 2 of my frens that had long distance relationship before, i felt that trust n understanding was one major factor as we arent be able to see wht they are doin there...saying that, i gave her all the freedom she wanted and i trust that she wuld not do anythn to betray me...of cos here and there we have made our mistakes in our own ways but as long as we understood each other and forgive things wuld work out....But all this thinking was proven wrong in one day..25/05/06. She said when i come back mayb we can sort things out and start over again.... but if making somthing happen is as easy as saying it out through your mouth then there is nothing impossible in this world alreadi.... don lie to me..i know it wil nv happen. Its alreadi so ackward now that we talk and moreever we are barely even talkin.. imgine how things wuld be like in july...

sometimes things like this happen and its neither me nor your fault. ive tried all that i can alreadi... for you i have worked so hard jus to come back... ive tried my best to hold on and uve tried your best too.. but i guess if we were nv fated to be together in the first place theres nothn we can do... i guess thats life ba....

2006-05-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

i shuld have known...i knew this day wuld have came before it even began as it has happened before...i knew it wouldnt last....im jus so stupid lying to myself. they are all like that.. all the same.. i wil never wana love again...

2006-05-07T15:48:00.000-07:00

im getting so fuckin pissed off now... this is so fuckin hell ridiculas! i say liao forget abt the whole fuckin issue why is the fuckin problem brought up again?? and this is to the so FUCKING understanding people whom i cal my frens...i hope u all fuckin know that im doin my FUCKING best to prevent any fight as well!! why cant u ppl put yurself into my shoes? im fucking in canda and im so fuckin unhappy and sad alreadi..i stil have 1 and a half months of work to catch up and do well in and the reason why im mugging like a dog is fuckin casue i wana go back to singapore during july august and also cause i promised my frens so...do u know how hard is it for me to act as if im ok to everyone in cannada when im not jus bcause i have to look like im settled down so that i can go back during the summer? i'm so fuckin stressed missing my family and friends and havin to force myself to complete and do well in my studies jus so i can go back but whyy is ppl in singapore causing SO MUCH FUCKING problem for me?

put yourself in my place..one side is the grp that is so close to me for years and the other side is my girlfriend and my 2 very gd fren cam and terrence who have been there for me as well!when this 2 clash what the fuck do u wan me to do?? i tried preventing the fight again and again and again tryin to cool things down between both sides butt why cant either side jus fuckin give in and jus forget abt the whole damn issue? n jus t let u know ven im fucking in cannda! do u expect me to get news like this jus like when im in singapore?? and the fuckin time difference is so fuckin hugee! do i not have to fuckin slp??i'm doin all these trying to persuades both sides because u are all my frens or else i wouldnt give a flying fuck abt this god dammed issue as im alreadi stressed and sad enuff! i can understand lin and everyone to be pissed when the fuckin anon is scolding us like fuck and we cant figure out who it is! who wouldnt be pissed? and i can understand that ven they all wuld be pissed when they got wrongly accused! but who can fuckin understand what position im fuckin in when boths sides have my fuckin gd frens in it? and the thing is why am i supposed to be blamed when this fuck wasnt caused by me and by then fuckin anon? jus to let u realise that im fuckin tryin to prevent any fights and how come when things don work out for a moment IM FUCKING T BE BLAMED AGAIN?? pls la..im jus a human and i have so much work and stress on my own...i am no God or some tower of refuge when somethig goes wrong and im there to pick up the mess n save everyone! moreever im FUCKIN IN CANADA! once this whole fuckin issue is settled im goin to end it once and for all..one by one all call yoursllf my frens, bros and mei but out of all these ppl how many of u are reali meaning it and are helpin me....

when things work out for a moment ure nice and grateful..but when things dont work out for that moment im to be blamed again...i hope this thing end once and for all... i reali cant be bothered after this if anythn is to happen again....

2006-05-03T21:49:00.000-07:00

today in cannda is my one month anii wiff linn linn! haix..feel bad i didnt manage to make her happy on the aniversary in singapore timee! now she is havinn exams ba..hope she doess well! alllll the bestt!!<3

these past few days has been reali boring..sigh..it has always been like dat since the day ive comee! so much fuckiin work and all..sigh... so stressed and tired..i miss singapore,i miss all my frens and i duno why after my mum has left i feel kind of lonely again..sigh...wish all this wil come to and end soon.. i wana go back so badlyy! its kind of sad when i think of it that in the past i used to wana go back and stay in singapore for this particular grp of frens whom im no longer that close to anymore and now i wana go back for a new grp of frens....frens reali do come and go and reali not all frens reali can stay forever expect for some of them... i reali dont know what im doin these few days...everythn seems so messed up! seems t be doin the things and sayin the things i dont wana say and keep everythn that i wana say to myself cause i cant let it out! feelin sad...what am i doing man...i was nv like this in the past as i was most of the time transparent wif my thoughts and actions. circumstances reali change a person frm being himself man....haix..

ytd i talked to suen..sharing the same old problems and all.... i guess in life we cant always have what we want and the things we want might not reali be the things thats best for us too. sigh, i just cant help by thinkin back why did i ever screwd up the second chance i had before? time reali passes very fast and i reali wish i can turn it all back...so much regrets so much mistakes so many things i wish i didnt do and i cant do anythn but to look back and sigh. ive reali got to learn to look ahead continue or else time wil reali pass me again and i have to regret even more..sigh

2006-04-22T15:49:00.000-07:00

once there was a master and a disciple...this night the disciple woke up in the middle of the night crying so badly. The master asked why are u crying? and he asked, did u have a scarry dream? and the disciple said no and then the master asked did u have a sad dream? and the disiple said no..then the master asked then why are u crying so sadly? the disciple replied.. i had a very sweet dream but i can nv live to fufill that dream......

It has been one month since the last time i went back to singapore and it has been almost 2 and a half weeks that i have been in cannda...its amszing how time has passed so fast and the problem and stress abt staying in singapore or cannada has been goin on for 1 month alreadi not to mention the many months that i have been thinkin abt this....

During the time i have spent in singapore i had so much funn and i reali wanted to stay in singapore to the extend i culd run away frm the flight twice and argue wif my parents like fuck over this issue again and again to the extend i dont mind leavin the family cause i reali wana be in singapore... in singapore even though its such a short time ive known her but i got to know a girl that loves me alot... it was through a time like this that i realised how many of my frens reali stuck wif my through this hard time i had n i am so touched...my parents and people may think they are bad influence but to me they are frens that wil stick wif me through thick and thin frens..they are my true frens....and all they want is that i wuld be happy whereever i am.... But during the stay i had in singapore..i have gained many true and genuine frens but at the same time i became distant to a number of them...particularly this special person whom i reali treated as my reali gd fren...but it was my fault that now we became distant...

During my stay in cannda i reali was doin all i can to go back to singapore and my parents, uncles and guardians were doin whatever they can to make me stay in cananda.... n now when i can force my way back, when my frens can fork out money for the flight back i reali wonder issit reali selfish of me, jus because of doin what i want and whatever that makes me happy n sacrifice the pains and sadness of my parents my grandparents and all of my uncles and aunties that reali care for me n its not that within these 2 and a half year i wuldnt be goin back to singapore at all....if i want to i can go back 3 times a year and after that i can stil be in singapore...2 and a half years wuld reali mean nothing with the 10 more years of support frm them.....and after much thinkin i guess its right and better for me to stay in cannada as it wont be forever that i wuld be stayin here..but whenever i go bac on msn and talk wif my frens and so i wuld reali miss singapore, my lifestyle and ALL of my frens and i wuld have a sudden urge to go back to sinapore and forget abt everythn and ignore everyone jus to do whats makes me happy....i know whats the right thing to do and the better choice to make but thats not what i want to do cos im dead unhappy here...but at the same time, in life we cant reali have whatever that we want and sometimes i also have to do my part to sacrifice for the family and not be so selfish.....

saying that, i guess i have made my decision to stay in canda, even though i fuckin hate to say this and fuckin hate to be here n fuckin hate to do the things that i dont wana do and i wuld be a way happier person now if i were to go back but i reali cant do it..i cant forsake everyone cos of what i want onli....i have to apologise deeply to everyone in sing that reali has been seeing me makin ficle minded decisions frm cananda to singapore and frm singapore to cannda n stil have been holdin me on....shi lin, cam,terr,jerm,leon,ken, jj so many so many taht i cant even name all of them out...ive let u all down n i guess u all must be tired of it too jus like me...i feel so sad saying this.....feel like fuck....saying the decision im makin when i fuckin hate it and fuckin hate this road im takin...

sighs....its almost like i hav a very sweet dream in singapore but i just cant fufill it.....

2006-02-17T12:09:00.000-08:00

this is my new blog that i have created..i wanted to tel everyone to tag and mie and stuff but then i decided not to in the end cause i guess this is the place i could let go of some feelings that i have that no one knows.....
this year has been a lonely valentines day for miee...but it was ok i guess casue my heart seems to heavy or hurt to get into a new relationship. i was browsing through friendster as usual lokin at natalies acct and then i saw her new photos she uploaded wif jerrold..sighs..once again the emptiness and hurt came back ...it was almost the same feeling as the other time when i saw her pics wif nat suen at the chalet wif jerrold and also the time when i saw her kissing pics wif jerrold.....sighs, memories of mie and her came back once again and i remember that the most fun time we had was during the time at ailins hse where we would be at the swimming pool talkin and playing...and also the time when she sneaked out of her hse...it was reali memoriable and as i thought back i could almost grasped the feeling then when i was wif her.....but then that was al in the past now...
when i went back last decemberi onli saw her twice onli out of the whole time...and we became almost like strangers alreadi...when i saw her drunk at jadens party how much i wish that i could b the one to take care of her but i guess i moved frm the main character in her life to jus a normal charter that jus used to be a part of her life.....
sighs, i think she is pissed wif mie now that it seems as though everytime i talk to her which is the one or 2 times is jus bcause i wan her to help mie make my blog but i guess she wouldnt realised that since she went wif jerrold i could no longer be the same as how i used to be wif her anymore, cause i dont wan ppl to misunderstand and jerrold to misunderstand....n moreever she has so many frens by her and a bf to take care of her so there reali isnt a need for me to be there anymore....even though mie and her may seem like strangers now but inside my heart even though sheisnt my gf or anythn but she stil holds a position in my heart.....sighs...i miss her alot....n i stil love her....

我很想你听见了吗?这是唯一我无解的困境那些过去不肯过去不管我后来遇见多少人只能叹息都不是你

2006-01-18T17:05:00.000-08:00

myy new blogg that ive createddd! in canada so cb sian so decided to blog againn! haha